thoughts about an ending

what do you do when life doesn't turn out how you expected? i tend to get angry, resentful, sad, mournful, bitter, cynical etc. not good emotions to have really. that's why i am trying to take this recent turn of events and handle it better than i usually do. the Boy and i broke up. it was a short relationship, so you may be shocked. we had a couple of talks and we both realized that we want different things from our lives. that's the simple answer, but of course life is more complicated.

these days i look at my Future with a spark in my eye. for the Boy, unfortunately, the spark is not there. he told me has no idea what he wants to do with his life and if he doesn't figure it out in the next five years he'll join the military. i think he is trying to compensate for having to grow up too fast. now he wants to go through the motions and turn off his brain for a couple of years. job, friends, fun. (school isn't even a factor yet for him, a big red-flag) but i have a bigger picture for my life. maybe he was scared because i have such lofty dreams and he doesn't have any. but what most people don't understand is, it's not whether or not you accomplish most or any of those dreams that's important--it's having them. he told me so many things--things he wants to do and the person he is and wants become. but what i didn't realize is, he doesn't want to become that person for a while. he wants to act like a lazy goof-off for a couple of years first. he doesn't want to get his shit together yet. he talked like a grown-up, but he couldn't act like one. and as much as i want to be the kind of person to just be with someone "for fun," that's not really me. i don't want to date just to date, i want to find the right person to walk beside through life.

the confusing part with the Boy was, he said that he didn't want to date for fun either, but when i started asking questions about where his life was headed he got scared and reverted back to his excuse "i don't want to grow up yet." if you don't want to grow up yet, stop talking like you already are. we both made mistakes in this little blip of a relationship, but his big one was: saying he was ready for a mature relationship, then acting like he didn't want it. i've boiled it down to this: he isn't ready yet to figure out where his life is going. therefore, he needs to find a girl who doesn't have any dreams either. so they can trudge through the mud of uncertainty together. i've already been there, done that. i spent almost a year and a half of my life wallowing in the sludge of "where am i going? who am i?" and even though i don't have it all figured out yet, i want to figure it out. i am being proactive about figuring it out. i am reaching into the void, shaking the living crap out of it, and saying "i want to know!" the Boy, he isn't even interested in really finding that out. he will do the easiest thing, i imagine. i, on the other hand, am doing the hardest thing, the thing that is beating my brain into mush.

so that's that. i've been thinking about so many things, some to do with the Boy, others to do with the Future. things i want to do: 1) finish community college. 2) find work as an interpreter. 3) join the Peace Corps. 4) move to Chicago. 5) live and work at the YMCA for another summer. 6) do the VRS training in Chicago while living with my sister, or just in the City. 7) move to Hawaii and be an interpreter there. 8) get my BA degree in Writing or Interpreting and become a certified sign language interpreter. 9) study more philosophy and psychology. 10) find the Right Boy.

a lot of those things are just dreams and i don't know if they will happen, but maybe some of them can come true. i know this: i can't stay here forever. i have to get up, use my legs, walk or ride a bus or train or plane, and make my way through the world. notice that finding another Boy was last on my list. that's because i want a relationship to be a part of my bigger life goals, not the goal in and of itself.

have you found your spark yet? are you dreaming big? are you getting up, using your legs, and finding out who you are? don't let life flow by, jump in the river!