i have made the mistake in the past in thinking that i have to be strong all the time. that i wasn't allowed to falter, wasn't allowed to fail or trudge or sink down. but you can't always avoid sinking and you can't control what life throws at you. sometimes i still feel this way. i feel a pressure to succeed and to be perfect even with my inner voices telling me "you don't have to be perfect. just be yourself and do your best." even with those voices yelling at me i still feel pressure to be ... more. to push and struggle and face the odds and come out stronger. but life doesn't always work out that way. sometimes you push too hard. sometimes you compare yourself to others and measure your progress by them when you should really only be comparing yourself to yourself.
today someone i respect very much because of how motivated she is, how driven and focused and strong she is, gave me a compliment about how strong i am too. it kind of threw me. i don't see myself that way. i see myself as always doing less and always lacking that "something" that drives people forward towards The Future. i see myself as stumbling through life with little focus and ambition and guessing at everything. but she revealed to me how that's not the case. i am focused and i have a plan for the future and i'm going after it. i have a vision for my life and i want it to have a purpose. i can't believe it. i have been seeing things about myself recently that amaze me. i am trying and i am moving forward. even though i struggle every day i am still pushing and i am letting myself make mistakes. i can't give up.
in the past i have run away when things get tough. when i became overwhelmed i would shut down and push people away. i don't want to do that. i want to embrace pain and struggle in a healthy way. i don't want to give up on people because it's not perfect and i don't want to give up on myself because i'm not perfect.
i've been feeling like things are spiraling out of control lately. so, i need to make a plan. things to change: 1) bed time. i need to get more sleep. i need to make sleep a priority. 2) school. i need to give it my full attention. this is the most important thing in my life right now. more important than the Boy or work or watching movies and tv shows. it is my purpose this semester to give it everything i can, but still take care of myself. which brings me to 3) me. i need to watch out for the signs of burn-out and depression so that i can protect myself. i want to be able to move through this semester at a steady pace and not give myself too much. i know my limits. i think i give myself too much sometimes because that's what others are doing. but i'm different from them. i need more down time and that has to become a priority.
i can only control myself. my happiness and where that comes from can only be controlled by me. every time i am single i think "i'm happy now, but i'd be happier with someone." not true. you can be in the best relationship in the world and still be unhappy. because it comes from within yourself. i am always relearning this. happiness is a complicated thing. your life can still be great even if you are unhappy. and you can be really happy even if your life isn't that great.
what things make you happy? are most of them because of another person? how can we all learn to not be dependent on others for our happiness?
2 comments:
It's good to read your thoughts on here. :)
How did the zoo thing ed up going?
And making sleep a priority is an awesome idea. I've done that through all of college and it has served me so well. So has making room for downtime. I love you <3
love you!
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