nostalgic

a picture of the wind chime. because it's summer.

this week i got to see a friend from high school that i haven't seen since we graduated three years ago. we spent time with one of our old teachers and toured around Colorado, doing things i haven't even done and i live here! it was fun.

that last night before she left we stood out in the drive way, talking. it was almost eleven and i was shivering a bit, but it reminded me so much of how time seems to slow down when you're with people who really know who you are. and i don't mean that in a "they know me so well" way. i mean it in a "they know where i'm coming from." even though i haven't seen this girl in three years and haven't really kept up with her life we fell back into talking and remembering, the way old friends do.

it brought up so many memories of school and the good and bad of leaving and where we are now because of that. most of the time i feel like i've barely changed, but i know i have. i know i've changed a lot, but i always wish it were more. i wish i were more outgoing, better at talking to people and better at making new friends. i wish i could act more like an adult and less like a twenty something stuck in the past, living at home, looking to the future with equal amounts of dread and anticipation.

i worry too much. i know this about myself and it frustrates me. i want to worry less because i know that some of the things i worry about i can't control. but there are a lot of things i can control and i worry that i'm failing everyone by not taking charge of them. i worry that i'm a disappointment and that i'm wasting my life. i worry that the way i'm living my life is not right and that it could be better and different if i'd just pull myself together. i worry that i'll never be able to change my bad habits and that i have no ambition and that i won't have what it takes to make it in the adult world. the real world.

i know everyone worries about these things to some extent. but it seems like others are able to push aside their worries to get things done and i can't always do that.

seeing this old friend reminded me of so many things that have happened and changed since i left high school. especially when she started telling our teacher's little boy that God made mud puddles and i just smiled and nodded. i don't know why my beliefs that seemed so solid back then are now just ghosts and bitter feelings, but i'm glad that i didn't have to explain it to her. it's too hard because they don't understand. to them faith is like breathing, if you don't breathe too they think you're dead. metaphorically speaking. so to them i'm dead and i need to be brought back to life. back to the right way. what if i don't want that to be the right way? what if it's not enough?

this is me, these are the things i think about. for someone who doesn't believe in God, i think about Him a lot. too bad all this thinking hasn't helped me come to any decisions yet.