i feel overwhelmed. i'm at this point where i have a plan. i really like this plan, but sometimes i get freaked out that i won't be able to complete my plan. having the drive to do something is really only half the battle for me. i need to have the skill too.

the Interpretation Preparation Program (IPP) is a demanding program. i know that all my other classmates have doubts and fears too, but i see them and their skills at the language and feel like i'm behind them. this is something that i want to be good at. it's actually something that i want to be great at. and i haven't felt that about anything in a while. my creative juices have been on hold for some time and i am afraid to try and revive them. i was really into writing in high school and i think i was pretty good. but it's like a person who writes a bestseller on the first try and is afraid his next book will be crap so he waits and waits until he wonders if he's any good at it anymore.

i've only been back in classes for one week and already i'm wondering if i can do this. it wouldn't be so bad if i didn't feel so rushed. only two more semesters (one more year) and i'll be an intern, trying to interpret for real people in real situations. things just got serious. sitting in class, knowing that i don't have the language skills yet, listening to my teachers talk about ethics, professional conduct, and how we might be replaced by machines in the future is, frankly, terrifying. i feel like everyone else in the program is better than me at this. i'm not afraid of the work, i'm afraid of not being ready. i mean, i only started learning ASL a year ago. and suddenly i'm supposed to be good enough to interpret in just 12 months? if anyone out there has learned a second language you know how hard it can be, especially if you have minimal contact with native speakers. and it' not just knowing the language, but being able to interpret one language into another, which means you have to know both languages inside and out. i'm not there yet--not by a long shot.

mostly i'm just afraid because i'm too far into this to back out now, so there is a lot of pressure to succeed. and to succeed in this line of work you have to be excellent. what if i'm only mediocre? what if i get through this semester and haven't improved?

breathe. this is what makes life interesting.

right?