isn't it strange to meet new people? sometimes i freak out. think, "i can be anyone i want to be. i can change myself and be someone different and they would never know." but i don't want to be someone different. i want to be myself. and yet, i find myself changing a little, pushing to be someone they will like and relate to. even if it's not fully me. i don't like it when i do that. it makes me tired. it's like high school all over again.
so who am i anyway? this little book-worm missionary kid from germany who still feels bad when i swear and can't shake the feeling that being drunk isn't a good idea? or am i this new person, who does use those words and shares drinking stories even though they happened to my friends and not to me, and tries to seem "worldly." my christian up-bringing is still so much a part of me, even if i am trying to shake it off. a bit of me must be rebelling against the rebelling, which is twisted when you think about it. i am an adult now. i can chose my life style. i can chose my words, my beliefs.
i must still be in that upheaval stage of growing up. (some people don't grow up at 18. or even 21) there is a transition place from teenager to being a "real person." i don't know if that makes any sense. you are a real person when you're a teen, but you're always trying to please someone or fit in or learn about what works for you. when you're a grown up you know what you want and need and you don't give in to anyone else about who you are. but am i there yet? or am i still trying to please people, but in a different way than when i was a kid?
well, i guess i just have to face the facts: i don't know who the hell i am yet. and that's fine. maybe? i feel like eventually you should fall into a place where you say, "yep, this is me. and my personality is set. so suck it up world!" i guess hanging out with classmates who are five-ten years older than me is not helping me feel like i can still do this wobble-in-and-out-of-a-personality-stage.
hey, you know what? if there is one thing i'm learning through all this crazy life shit, it's that you just have to carve your own path. there is no right way to do things. it's time to be brave. it's time to throw out the doubts, what-ifs and fears. it's time to just do it!
1 comment:
I have wondered when you become a person as well. growing up is such a long process.
the one thing that always consoles me about being myself, is that there is no one in this entire world exactly like me, so why the hell would I want to be anyone else when I am so unique? there is no one else in the world who is exactly like you, Hannah, so be your uniquely wonderful self, no matter what stage of life you're in.
Post a Comment