summer thoughts

someone i know seems to be having a hard time right now. she quit her job and kind of dropped off the face of the earth. well, she returns a couple of my texts, but not many, and doesn't seem to want to hang out. this kind of hurts me. there is a huge part of me that wants to "be there" for people and support them through thick and thin, but she won't let me. which sucks because i don't have very many friends here and just as i was beginning to become her friend when she kicked me out of her life.

now, this gets me thinking, as it usually does, about my dependency on people and why i can't seem to make friends or be happy with the ones i do have. i came to a place in my life where i understood that i needed friends and going it alone wasn't healthy for me anymore. and now i seem to be more alone than i was when i had no friends. because rejection hurts. and having something good taken away from you hurts. and trying to make friends with people who are already okay with their set group is hard. and i really am so glad that my parents are coming home today because being in an empty house all alone is lonely.

this summer has potential. i want to get closer to the friends i have who do want to hang out with me and also learn some things. i have this class called "intro to PC applications" which is basically learning how to do Word, PowerPoint, Excel and basic internet functions. i thought it was going to be super boring, but maybe the teacher can understand that i'm only taking it because it's required and if he can help me not blow my brains out i will be satisfied. also i want to get some ASL tutoring in (for myself) and learn some Spanish (i run across too many Spanish speaking people to not want to know what they are saying).

i am also taking anthropology from an amazing woman who seems to really know what she is talking about and unlike the anthropology class i dropped 2 semesters ago, i think i will enjoy this one. too bad it's at 7:30 in the morning.

like i said before, i want to start writing again. and that means i need to start reading books with actual literary merit and not just fluffy bestseller novels (i am reading Middlesex right now, which is a bestseller, but is not fluffy at all). i also want to get back into poetry and try sketching more.

i have all of these ideas and i don't know what is going to work out for this summer. in less than three weeks i will have worked at my current job for one year. i am so sick of it. nothing else seems available, but i will keep looking.

a good movie to watch if you're bored: the ramen girl.